Someday I Will Be Fearless

this is everything to me.

The Honeyed Quill


Guest Contributor Amy Gigi Alexander offers her journey through fear in this lyrically complex exploration of writing, courage and the personal narrative. This piece is universally compelling. It reaches beyond the page and what we desire to record, to that tender place between fear and fearlessness, and touches the heart of childhood. 

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The first story I ever told myself was a story called How to Be Afraid.

I did not think of writing it down at first as I was very young, and could scarcely write my letters. Later, writing was dangerous, and once found it could be torn, eaten. And of course, there would be punishments. Instead, it was an oral tradition I started with myself, a long list I committed to memory, a guidebook to help me navigate through a world of adults.

I was about six years old when the story began to take shape…

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Cut and Paste Poetry. A Macabre Project.

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1.  Lunch Hour Macabre

Death.  Hold on.  Come back.
Clutch at my young throat
This is a game we used to play
But I was so afraid
Carve away the stone
How do they
Climb the stairs
Break down the wall
Retreat to the sparkling darkness holding hands
Until I faint 
Press close enough
And it is quiet.
Kiss felt like
I was trapped in memories
Against the cold stone
I like the way it feels
But for now lungs breathe
At the end of the hall she passed a note.
Not the end.

2.  Setting Sun Macabre

When I think of how
They lowered me down
In reality
We set each other free
How real then kissing was
And now take take the reality away
We found our first escape
And then take your hands away
I wanted to know
To feel this kind of release
Fuck a boy
Until darkness rises
Like a fog off dead meadow
Let me fall
Peaceful edge
Cutting soft light of the living

3.  Macabre Cross the Line

You’ve now seen the other side, far away.
It wasn’t all that.
Insane laughter
Back of the bus
All that
Rain
Once again you are you, in love
These aching lungs
Wasting the present day
Caverns of lonely 
Aching veins
I don’t know this is the end
Deafening call
I don’t know but let the pure love kill

Time Piece

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I exist

In this instant

The time is now

There’s only so much time

Where did the time go

Time goes by

Quickly now

Shifts to then

There was this time

In this one hour

When I felt real

Three blind mice

Running behind

Didn’t get there on time

Up the clock each day

Wasting hours away

Forget to set the clock

All the time in the world

Forget to flip the switch

Turn back the day

Hold onto night

And that is time

Time is up

One last time

Parting frozen moment

Seconds tick so loud

When the alarm sounds

I hear a heart beat

My time peace

LT

Daddy Ancient, Daddy Gone

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(inspired by the ghost of Sylvia Plath’s poem DADDY, on this, the 50th anniversary of her death.  Rest in Peace, goddess poet.)

Daddy ancient, Daddy gone

Daddy harmful, Daddy past

No love without conditions

You slam the door

 

Daddy

Bastard

Daddy

Fool

 

You

Do

Not

Do

 

Twenty years of dust

Layering the shame

Daddy statue

Daddy stone

Daddy rattling

Shattered bone

 

I bury you

You do not do

I have buried you

I do not visit

Your vampire grave

Shadow of my youthful night

Empty

Hearted

Stiff

Lie back in your coffin with a seething migraine

I stepped on the line

I broke your spine

But you broke mine first

Before my birth

You

Sucked

 

The life

The soul

The spark

Careless giver of life

You bastard you

I’m through with you too

 

You couldn’t stop

Propogating this earth

You made babies

Little bits of you

Offspring

Shot by shot

One through five

 

Our creator

Our destroyer

Daddy’s little girls

Little boys with so much hope

Always afraid of you

Always afraid of you

Shot down

Thrown over the side

Dragged behind the boat

Crashing waves

Choking throats

Screaming cries

Life-preservers

Hold our bobbing heads

Gobbledygoo

Gobbledygoo

We made it through

We made it

Through

 

We five

We made it out alive

 

But shattered

But broken

Like ancient relics

Stick us together with glue

The pieces no longer fit

 

The family that you made

The family that you broke apart

With your tar black heart

Never get it right

Always need to win the fight

Terrorize

With lying eyes

You raise a colony of fear

Fertilize a garden of hate

You teach a festering kind of rage

Tiny bleeding fingers

Clawing at the cage

You taught us to run

To never turn back

We jagged shells

We flee the madhouse

Scuttle on

Scuttle on

Ancient tales

Covered trails

Dragging along

Pretty bleeding sand

 

Daddy

Daddy

I’m through

And the neighbours never liked you

You are the key to my past

I have set blazing

I have burned to ash

Sooty safe

Beneath this one black shoe

 

If I was the goddess in an ancient myth

You are the rock I am forced to push

If I was an ancient faerie sprite

You are the giant who strips me of flight

Maim me

Mark me

Steal my wings

If I was a cosmic wonder from outerspace

You are the secret service who shields my face

Making up lies

Shrouding truth

If I was the graveyard willow standing centuries tall

You are the chain-saw that makes me fall

Buzz

Kill

Stroke by stroke

 

You worked

So hard

To control and to crush

And to fuck us right up

And it almost worked

On almost all of us

 

You buried us

One by one

When we were eight

We were wishy-washy

When we were twelve

We shamed the family name

When we were twenty

We jammed our middle fingers in your face

 

You are the disgrace

The opposite of love

You are the ugliness of hate

A product of lies uprising

Victim of a long line of deception and control

But that doesn’t mean

That you had to be mean

What does it mean

That you chose to be mean

Just like your mother

Brute heart

Dagger sharp

Thorn of bitterness

Spilled over

Spread through you

Poison

You let the sickness flow

You chose to be

The bastard son

The vacant father

Your own daddy exiled

You keep grandma’s tradition alive

House-keeping

Rinse

Wash

Repeat

Vile exile

Two children tossed out

Like a sack

Like a sack

 

Pull me out

Of this erosion

Volcanic explosion

Tear down my imaginary walls

Daddy

I have built

A forest

So thick and lush

So safe and magic

It will keep you out

My siblings

And all those fallen cookie crumbs

We will find our way back to ourselves

Spider webs and emails sent

Protect me from your spell

You can no longer hurt me from your space of hate

You are so gone

Long

 

Forget you

We are through

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Kindred Collective

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the ancient ones, a primal heartbeat, our mother earth, old growth forest, extraterrestrial beings, ghosts and stars, angels and devils, ancient goddesses, the golden-oldies, witches’ brew, old-school, fallen walls and pyramids, twigs and stones, dinosaurs, mythological beasts, the spirit inside, your family tree, old world faery, species extinct, sunken civilizations, land before time, space beyond space, universal wisdom, ancient love, light and dust… 

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The Kindred Collective

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Girl, she found

Herself

Growling

In homeroom

Orange chair

Welded to green desk

Groggy

Through morning prayer

The anthem

This is the way

Follow me

I’ll follow you

Come with me

I’ll come with you

Through darkened halls

Set with skulls

Cafeteria lunch

Chimichurri smile

This kind of spice

Makes starry eyes

Cry

Mother Mary

Bless

All girls

We roam the halls

A perfect square

Stacked

Red lipstick

Purple lipstick

Black lipstick

Blue kilt of confusion

With always

The illegal red sweater

Deep

Goth

Thoughts

Drama in the basement

Insight

Origami

A way home away from home

This teacher gave

This teacher saved with

Wings

And words to fly

These girls

Women now

Hungry Ants

CFNY Djing the dance

Blissful Zoe, Emaleth Muse, Cymbelline

Dead or

Alive

Poets

Scratched

Records

Bitten nails

Baby blue walk-man

Yellow bus

November Rain

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Fairy shoes

With a killer sole

Girl

She stubbed her toe

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Bleeding Tree of Words. for my soul sister, JMM.

 

Alone with words

We pluck our eyebrows

And scab our faces

For this kind of solitude

 

We rage

Internally

Until

We have our word

 

Words scratching from the inside

Out

A regurgitation

Of some long forgotten pain

That rears her fuzzy

Childhood head

And you cannot deny the voice

Or the words

As they surface

Like bile

 

We

Will

 

Nurture and water

Snaggle and grow

We wish

Cherish and rip

Encourage and rage

Encore

And bellow

 

The words are the images that

Surface like sap

Sticky

And potent

 

We will read

And we will write

 

Like trees, lace poems

Ink the sky

Limbs

Reach

Stretch, grow.

 

LT

December 12, 2012

Speedy Turtle of Pelee Island

Pebbles on the Beach

White Lightening

Cuts through rocking caps

Red velour interior,

A cosy nose cabin,

Napping in the bow of a speedy boat.

 

Dreams crash and splash

Rock back

Rock forth

In the body of

Lake Eerie

Cold and Familiar.

 

Rules.

Turtles.

Shells.

 

Plant your ass in a ridge of sand

Let the waves hit you in the face,

Like this.

Like that.

Algae and minnows up the nose, burning in the back of the brain.

This is the way to a place that you know,

But can’t call up. 

Can’t call back.

Wrong number.

Try again.

 

Plan a treasure chest

Bury the map.

Memories are the pinks and the blues of a shell

Dried up, bleached out and gone, forgotten.

So much sad

The happy slipped off.

Can’t recall

Not at all

The fun times with my dad.

 

Turtle then,

Turtle now.

 

Dead fish heads with shells in their sockets

Crunchy yellowed scales, tanning and tanning and

Baking in the heat

No meat

All flesh is gone

Plucked by bald vultures

Savoured by midges and gnats

Like this.

Like that.

Like all the difference when he clicks like.

 

Speedy turtle

Tiny claws clack on warm stone

Pigsnout face and spinning funnel eyes

Not all turtles are slow.

 

Crickets in the corn whistle a song of sleep and sound

Comfort and dream

Dangling

On hook

Too much

Or too little

Stars above.  All the time. 

So many stars. 

 

Turtle why?

Turtle how?

 

Turtle in the Tupperware

Mommy let me take you home.

You didn’t stand a chance.

Smokey fog of cluttered land

Chlorine faucet and pesticide grass

He turtled away.

 

Pebbles in the sand

Gunshots in the air

Scare the birds

Free the birds

Butterflies in webs

A trapped moth with eaten wing

Begin again.

 

Regrets.

And a wrinkled neck.

 

Set you free

Let you be

A shore.

A rock.

 

A bouncy glide

Freedom ride.

Blue and green as far as the farthest tree

Navigate rocks and potholes along the marsh.

Red treehouse, brown barn.

Sweet corn and a place to swim.

 

Tiny wise one

Turtle baby

With the never-ending-story eyes

And a snout of ancient times.

Little creature ready to float and to bask in the sun,

I seek and I search for a man that approves,

Who will tell me he’s proud,

That I’m good and I’m all,

All he’s wanted in a girl,

In a girl,

Like me.

 

Speed boat.

Speedy turtle.

Like this.

Like that.

Pebbles on a beach.

 

LT

August 19th, 2012 

Natalie Doll

Natalie Doll

Let down your hair

For you

I cut mine

To be your match

I wore your clothes

I ran your lines

Off camera

On mornings

When you needed to sleep

You gave me the chance

To play

A scene

With Dustin

You gave me a

Golden elephant

Journal

You told me to

Write my thoughts

Natalie laughter

Natalie kind

Tiny vegetarian love

In fake plastic shoes

Thank you

For being

Number One

Second team, first choice

Toy store

Magic dance

Napping in the stories section

Watching from the second story

The world crumbled

Squid

Ink

Splattered

Broken ship

Heart of sadness

And ticking clocks

Rusty waves

Unsettled tides

Helm to guide the way

Dancing with the crane

Angelo calling my name

Rehearse again

And again

Three days

To get it right

The dance

“I’ll miss you”

I said

To him

At the end

Lights go out

Booth street walk

Park

Shelter

Sob

Spark

Shadow

Flash

Natalie Doll

Lighting space

Floating grace

Smile

Skin

Heart

You are

A star

LT

August 28, 2012

The Kindred Collective

Still Alive

               Standing on slates of glistening rock

               She spills over as a waterfall of joy

               Deep into pools

               Awe and beauty move her forward

               She longs to run her fingers through the flow

               She slips

               Shocked by the icy-cold water

               She sees colour

               She sees happiness

               Love

               All of these things

               She cannot pronounce

               She closes her eyes

               Too much colour

               Too much light

               Pleasure

               His hands lift her from the water and place her under the stars

               Galaxies and Milky Ways between her thighs

               Leaving trails of lightning in his eyes

               Back and forth

               Down and up

               Burning grains of light dance underneath her flesh

               He reaches in and up and out of…

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